People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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