Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
