Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
