I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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