Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
