Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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