i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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