my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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