Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
