i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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