did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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