Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize