hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
they need to just BURY HIM!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
