She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize