It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
