she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize