I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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