Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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