i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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