I can text with my tongue
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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