Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
