I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
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