He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
