Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
