So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
