I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
