hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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