You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
