They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
there's paper in my vomit.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
