it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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