i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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