I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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