I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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