Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
