you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
