Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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