Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
