im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
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