when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
