my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
