I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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