i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
