Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
