I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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