I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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