she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
