I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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