I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
