my phone needs a breathalizer
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
