someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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