Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
