I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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