I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize