there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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