I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
