everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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