They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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