I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
