i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
