Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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