my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
