Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
