oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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